Sunday, November 11, 2012


How to write a story or just fill space and make it look like an article.

I waited anxiously for the word processor to start. Why are computers still so damn slow, I thought. It was the thirteenth year of the 21st,... scratch that, twenty first century and I was determined to finally get that damn novel wrote that I had been planning and avoiding writing for years. Life gets in the way of art sometimes.

Now the book was finally starting so time to establish some ground rules right?

Rule one. No abbreviating. Mostly because I need to get at least 40,... er, I mean forty pages out of this first draft. Oh and that includes numbers too. The long version takes up more space than the short one, and publishers like lengthy books so... yeah.

The next rule of course is to use paragraphs, as it makes the book easier to read and also takes up more space. And there is that length issue again.

As a male it seems like the length issue follows you every where you go. You know what they say, big feet, big shoes.

Where was I? Oh yes, rule number D. type in a somewhat larger font as it is easier for me to read, and also there is the length thing again.

Next, a novel needs a topic so that it does not just wander all over the place and get lost in limbo at the end. For example, the topic of this piece appears to be, how to write a story, or just typing random crap, or filling space until the needed number of pages is met.

Tally? That is about three pages now and three or four rules and I still have not gotten to the damn point. Notice how I wrote that is instead of that's? You gotta pay attention guys there may be a quiz.

Rule five, of course, is spelling and grammar, which is taken care of by the word processor because I am pressed for time and a bit lazy. Also, the commas and quotation marks and stuff like that take up more room and help me to reach my goal faster. Length is everything in novels.

The next point to make here is pictures and illustrations. They fill more space and make the book more interesting.

Like this photo I took of a butterfly in my yard one day. It is pleasing to the eye and so makes the book more appealing to the reader.

The picture is nice and colorful and takes up a whole paragraph by itself. So, pictures good.

The most important thing about a novel is plot. Man v man. Man v nature. Man v wife in divorce court. You get the point. Without a plot, the reader would just get bored and throw away the piece. Plots make or break a book. Unlike movies, plots are a definite must in books. I remember watching a certain para annoying non activity movie and wondering if anything was ever going to happen. It didn't.

Finally, you need characters in a story, whether it is a jolly green giant or wicked witch who melts in the shower or a wicked queen who looks like a playing card and orders peoples heads cut off and yet never gets stomped for some reason. Characters make a story interesting as long as they are not all the same. Variety is the key to a good story.

Now I totally lost count of my rules here, and yes I left out the C on purpose, just for fun. Told you there was a quiz.